Wanted

*Takes a deep breathe* Aw, there is nothing like the smell of senseless violence in the morning.

Every time my husband and I get out of a movie we ask "So did you like it?" This is the opening for our little banter about directing, steady cam action, acting, visual effects, and all that jazz. I guess you could call us amateur movie critiques.


So we walk out of the theatre and I ask, "So, did you like it?" He responds "I don't know." No truer statement has ever been spoken. I can usually let a movie marinate in my mind and come up with an opinion with in a few days (hence the reason I wait a few days to post after seeing a movie)...but this time it doesn't work like that. I have waited and still all I can think is "I don't know"



So this time I'm just going to say, if awesome visual effects and stunts are your thing, then see it. If plots and character developement, then don't.

Wall-E is Lame-o

So there I was, in a theatre crowded with little children, eagerly waiting for my movie to start with the highest hopes of something as fabulous as Madagascar. I shovel fresh golden popcorn in to my mouth with one hand, and continuosly check my cell phone for the time with the other. Then, the house lights dim, and the exciting peeks. The screen dances to life with a short film about a magician. Its cute, I think, but all its doing is prolonging the time until Wall-E pops on the screen. And then, finally, the credits start and the crowd goes quite. Well, mostly. The little girl behind me keeps kicking my seat and screaming "WALL-E!." But I can relate, I'm excited too. I'll give her some slack. Then, we see Wall-E! There is Wall-E! I giggle as he manuvers through the filth and grime that surounds him. I chuckle while he sifts through his little treasures.

Then, about fifteen minutes in, he is still maneuvering through the filth and grime. And he is still sifting through his treasures. And I have stopped giggling. And I have stopped chuckling. The little girl behind me is still screaming "WALL-E! Look at Wall-E mom!" Over and over I hear her say his name. Mom doesn't ask her to be quite. No, that would be the polite thing to do. How could I expect a mother to keep their child quite? Instead I hear "Really sweetie?! What else do you see? Talk louder sweetie, I don't think the people in Mongolia have heard you yet sweetie..."

Its a half hour in to the movie. No change. Well, actually, there was a little change. They added an over-bearing and emotionally void robot named EV...


Almost an hour in to the movie and the agenda-pushing has made me vomit fresh golden popcorn all over the theatre floor. Don't worry, I'll blame it on the little girl behind me who is STILL yelling out "WALL-E!"

Its been over an hour in that crowded theatre and a plot has finally presented itself for my viewing pleasure. Unfortunately, its as strong as a sapling in a wind storm. Thats right, this little plot that has been nutured and helped to grow for the last hour and fifteen minutes has broken under any scrutiny. Needless to say, this is me by the time the movie is over.

*Please note the look on his face.

Get Smart

I was watching Get Smart and a lot of things came to mind. But before I get in to my compiled list, I want to say Get Smart is super funny. I highly reccommend seeing it. I laughed the entire time. And, its not crude humor, which i refreshing. My 10 year old sister in law was able to watch the movie with out problems. Ok, now my list...

1. I would totally get the entrances to CONTROL and the Ministry of Magic confused. I'm just saying, if I were to enter a phone booth and it were to drop in to the ground, I would have to question which facility I was going to. However, you better believe I'd be hoping I was in the Ministry of Magic.



2. The rock is the bomb digity. I must say he is quite attractive AND has become a thousand times better actor since the Mummy Returns. *shivers* Those were dark times. But its good to finally see the light.

3. I want a fly camera.

4. I think I'm going to have to get a shoe phone. It is practical AND comfortable. What more can you ask for....other than good reception...and a little birdie tells me you get service everywhere.

I am the Dragon Warrior!

Before I give my little shpeel on Kung Fu Panda, I'd like to share a little story...

My sophmore year of high school, I earned a nickname like non other.....Puddles. For one reason, or another, I was born with the inability to hold my bladder. *pauses for giggle*. Yes, that is right, my friend, I have been known to pee my pants at the drop of a hat (or a joke, etc). Its not just me either! Its a family trait. So, my sophomore year of high school, I had Landon at my house after a debate practice. We had just eaten enough pb&j sandwiches to feed Etheopia and dranken a cow's worth of chocolate milk when I was showing him our prized Elvis phone.

When called, the Elvis phone would ring out "Hounddog" and he would dance. Well, Elvis' leg popped off, and Landon had tried to secure it back on. However, he had re-attached Elvis' limb backwards and so Elvis' dance was, well, hilarious. BAM! I hit the floor, trying not to tinkle, and then, realizing my attempts were futile, I booked it to the bathroom down the hall. But I was too late.

Landon and Twitch (our friend, not Elvis) from then on referred to me as Puddles.



You see, it is this trait that makes me a Dragon Warrior. Po, like me, is in danger of peeing when tickled. Thank you Hollywood! I am not alone!

Kung Foo Panda, the best thing since Madagascar. Thats saying something since it is common knowledge that Madagascar is my favorite animated movie and I have a giant poster of the penguins.

Also, I finally understand where Mortal Kombat got its moves from. Tanya, Raiden, Scorpian, all of them have their own Kung Foo Panda counterpart....too bad Tigress didn't finish anybody off by wripping their arm off, smacking them over their head, and then pulling their head off in one swift movement.

And I think we have a title...

"What is HAPPENING out there?""Whatever is HAPPENING...""This thing that is HAPPENING is really scary teacher!"
And so on the movie went....
On a more serious note, M. Night Shyamalan tought me a valuable lesson. This movie portrade a positive and uplifting theme. One that we all need to take more seriously. One that, I know at least for me, will continue to marinate in my mind for weeks and even months to come. I'm picking up what you're putting down, Shyamalan, I got it .

WE MUST DESTROY THEM

BEFORE THEY DESTROY US

The Incredible Hulk learns Portuguese

*Note: My husband provided all Portuguese translations
Hello, and welcome to "Bruce Banner learns Portuguese." Now you too can learn to speak fluent gringo-portuguese. Now, introducing our host, Dr. Banner.
Lesson One: How to warn people your little green monster is coming out.
"Voce nao vai gostar de mim quando eu estou com raiva"
Lets all repeat together now
"Voce nao vai gostar de mim quando eu estou com raiva"

Cabecao Class!!! Take a break, students, you've done very well!
Now I will divvy up my opinions in the good ol' fashion Good, Bad, Ugly style
The Good- O Bom:

• Edward Norton- One of my favorite actors, and my number one in the "3 people you could guilt-free go on a date with if ever given the opportunity" (Paul Betany is #2 and Colin Firth #3) He is the bomb digity and his superior acting skills make this movie.

The Bad- A Mal:

• Call me crazy (please don't, my ego can't handle it) but isn't it a pointless to denounce a man as your father when you a) Don't treat him like you father b) Never talk about him c) have cut him out of all aspects of your life. Some one, isn't he already not family?

The Ugly- O Feio:

Tony Stark for President

No, your eyes aren't blurry. No, I didn't mean Tony Blair (he can't run anyway). Yes, that's right, Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, should run for El Presidente of Estatos Unidos de America. My reasons are as follows--Tony Stark is intellegent, intelligent enough to create a flying suit of metal.-Tony Stark has a mind of his own and can give a speach containing words that are in the English language. Example:Jim Rhodes: [whispering] Just stick to the cards, sir.Tony Stark:[holds up his notes and pauses, then puts them down]The truth is...I am Iron Man.-Tony Stark likes cheeseburgers-Tony Stark has a sense of humor that isn't only appreciated by people from Texas.
Now for my view on the movie itself...
First, I must say, I have to give a kudos to Burger King for the amazing product placement! *Takes of imaginary hat* Burger King really should have pushed IronMan more so than Indiana Crapfest....

In fact, I think I want a whopper....mmmmmmm....whopper and fries and a coke...

Mr Downey Jr is absolutely fabulous. I haven't seen quick wits like his since the Gilmore Girls.

The best part of the whole movie, no exceptions, no questions, is the always present voice of my main man, the imaginary love of my life, Paul Bettany. *SIGH* I saw the movie twice just to hear him recite off the power supply. Call me Paul!

See it. Don't ask questions. Ignore the fact that Robert Downy Jr has been annoying in the past. Go now and watch it.

Indiana Jones and the Curse of the oddly shaped skull

I would like to take a moment and thank Lucas and Speilburg...for without them I would lack valuable knowledge that will now stick with me for the rest of my days...
1. When you have a big enough budget and a dedicated fanbase, anything goes....anything.
2. One may be saved from an atomic bomb by getting into a refrigerator.
3. Motorcycles are safe means of transportation when going from the periodicles to adult fiction.
4. Spidermonkey's are our friends...not the rabies and HIV infested creatures who cratch out peoples eyes.
5. Swinging from vines is easy
6. Do not pick a staring contest with a crystal skull...you will lose and then end up speaking murmish...or german...I couldn't really tell.
7. Knowing everything will make your head explode...especially when you have a bad haircut and too tight pants. (I came up with a solution to the problem....wear sweatpants and don't get a haircut and possibly don't shower...I believe if these steps are taken, one might be able to survive knowledge overload)
8. El Dorado is not a creepy molestation farm, but an ancient city filled with people who seem to live in ruins and sharpen spears all day.
9. It is located in Brazil, not South Dakota as Jon Turteltaub might have you believe. (I assume Brazil because of the poor cutting to of that halfcircle waterfall which is in Brazil)
10. Military vehicles from the 1950's are suprisingly buoyant.

10,000 BC....Worst Decade Ever

There I was, sitting in a smelly theatre owned by the fabulous Westates Whore-Town Theatres. Fortunately, we got the seat in front of the bar. Unfortunately, that is the only good thing I have to say. For those who are reading this and thinking "But I heard it was good!" I laugh at you. You fell for the joke. Us who were suckers enough to pay for a ticket to see this crapfest are trying to get a small amount of joy out of our experience by taking pleasure in the pain of others by telling them "it was amazing, as good as 300" so that you will see it and we can laugh at you for falling for it. So, to save you the $7, I will give you the cliff’s notes version so that you can get a pita from Pita Pit instead of wasting 2 hours. Smelly man’s tribe gets taken into captivity :-( Smelly man follows Bad Dirty Men over mountains and into forest where they get eating by "Ruddy Great Chickens" as Kiley called them. Black dudes join Smelly Man and take on Egyptians. Now the next part is very predictable, and I’ll tell you why. The Smelly Man and Black Dudes take down the Egyptians. This is predictable because the Egyptians made a huge mistake...Don’t try to keep a brother down. Man, please, you do not whip a borther, they will kill you. There was one scene that made it *almost* worth seeing....a Maddock...oh wait....a Mammoth passed sweet nothings via longing eye gazes to Smelly Man. It was really touching. Unfortunately for Mammoth, Smelly Man didn’t feel the same and instead went for the girl. Lame In addition, I want everyone to know that I knew more about world history from 10th grade world civ and my trip to the La Brea Tar Pits when I was 13 than the filmmakers. This leads me to believe that the film makers grew up in Kentucky and dropped out of school in 9th grade :)